charlie and nina

I’ve got a lot of them going on right now.

I’ve only been “away” for a few days, but I have no idea where to start. The beginning and the middle are all one long blur of pain and sleeplessness and joy and sleeplessness and adjusting and sleeplessness and awesomeness and sleeplessness. Did I mention the sleeplessness? We are all pretty tired around here. Except Caius, he seems to be doing just fine, thank God.

Actually last night was the first night either Charlie or I got any real sleep at all. Charlie was able to sleep because I finally, finally seemed to have turned a corner where this whole waking up every 2 hours is becoming acceptable and he slept for several hours straight last night. This fact - that he slept for several hours straight - makes me happy but also just slightly jealous. I know it will be months before I can sleep that long.

My milk came in on Thursday night. It took only a few hours for me to get my first plugged duct. A few hours later, I could feel the beginning of an infection. Milestones, people. I think I have enough milk to feed triplets. Cedric has been nursing well, but my breasts still feel full when he’s had his fill. They say it takes a couple of weeks for the milk supply to regulate, but with Caius I was still getting plugged ducts six months later. I’m already taking lecithin supplements and Charlie’s determined to force-feed me liquid till I burst.

Cedric is beautiful and so very tiny. He was born 6 lbs 8 oz, but yesterday weighed in at a slight 6 lbs 3 oz at his first appointment with our pediatrician. He is long and slender and the skin puddles around his knees and ankles and elbows. He’s like an old man in miniature. We have him in preemie sized diapers and have been scrounging for newborn (and preemie even) sized clothing. Caius was 8 pounds when he was born and he seemed to keep that newborn-look for only a week or so before he filled out. I thought Cedric would be at least as big so we didn’t prepare much for the teeny-tinyness of a newborn.

And even though I know it was hormone-induced, I felt that same flood of love when Cedric was born. I’m not ready to write his whole birth story yet, but I gave birth to Cedric on a stool on the bathroom floor of one of the labor and delivery rooms, just feet away from the shower where I had been laboring through transition. I was leaning back into Margie and Charlie was next to me and I felt him slide out of me in that last great push and then he was on my chest, slippery and perfect.

But I also feel at times incredibly sad for all that has changed. I’m so used to the pervasive closeness between Caius and I and I’m simply physically unable to interact with him much right now. My breasts are so tender that I have trouble holding his wriggling, running toddlerness. I still have trouble sitting down an so even playing on the floor with him is difficult right now. And of course I have Cedric at my breast every few minutes it seems. If I get to read him a bedtime story or chatter with him in his crib in the morning or get a couple of quick hugs, I consider myself lucky. Even writing this makes me want to collapse in tears. I know it is both temporary and the beginning of a cataclysmic shift in both our lives.

Caius seems to like his baby brother. I’m sure it didn’t hurt that Cedric gave him an awesome new tool set, which he has played with nonstop for the past few days. He’s instinctively more gentle around Cedric…he seems hesitant to touch him, but will lay tiny kisses on his head when prompted. Last night he wanted to give him a hug, but seemed afraid he might break him. So we suggested trying again tomorrow, which he seemed to think was a good idea.

So…we’re surviving here. Day four. My family is helping us a lot and our friends from church have started a sign-up to bring us meals and we feel very loved and taken care of, but we are in transition. Life is so very sweet and so very hard.

On Monday, Caius woke up from his nap and was talking to Nina’s tummy:

“Come out baby brother. Play bamba.” (play ball)

“See you tomorrow!“

I’ve heard him say, ’see you later’ before but never ’see you tomorrow.’ Apparently, Caius knew something that we didn’t. That night, Nina’s water broke at 1:20am, we got to the hospital at 4am, and five hours later Cedric came into this world.

6lbs 8oz, 20″ long. Hopefully we’ll be able to go home this afternoon so the boys can play ball. (They seem to have their own agenda.) 

We are all tired of hearing about how pregnant I still am.

But I still am very pregnant.

Still.

Yesterday night I started crying in Charlie’s arms. “Is it possible that this baby is not going to come out of me? Maybe there is something wrong and I am going to be pregnant forever. What if they have to induce me because this baby won’t come out of me?”

Yes, I know, I will not be pregnant forever and it’s very unlikely that I’ll be overdue to the point where I’ll need to be induced (although still hypothetically possible people!), but sometimes the emotions…they just take over. Plus I had just finished catching up on the last two Grey’s Anatomy episodes (I think the show is finally getting back to its awesomeness…I mean, Meridith is FINALLY seeing a therapist at least!) and was a little sad about the whole five thousand people that die in that show.

In all likelihood, I should deliver any day now. I am 38 weeks and 5 days pregnant. Tomorrow I have my week 39 midwife appointment. I am *almost* freaking there.

Most of the time I actually feel okay lately. I’m trying to be patient. I’m trying to be all peaceful and zen and let the baby come in his own time. Watch me OHM.

But then it really doesn’t help when your halmoni looks at you and says “I don’t think it’ll come for awhile.” ARGH! DO NOT TELL ME SUCH THINGS! Or at church yesterday, a friend of ours told me, “Oh you still look like you’re carrying high. Doesn’t look like the baby’s dropped yet!”

You know what? I love you all, but I really do not want your non-professional assessment of when I will give birth. It is totally unhelpful and discouraging and look! You made me cry! Do not mess with the very pregnant lady people.

I wasn’t this impatient the last time around. I just wanted him to come before Christmas (he was due on the 20th, born on the 16th). I don’t really know why I’m so much more frustrated this time. Part of it really is all the false labor (aka false hope).

Maybe I need to take up a hobby or project of some sort. Something that doesn’t involve much movement or physical exertion. Something I can do sitting down, preferably while hanging out with a toddler. Other than blogging. I’m thinking knitting, but this seems overly ambitious considering that I WILL GIVE BIRTH IN THE COURSE OF A WEEK (give or take a few days). I’ve already paid all our bills and organized pretty much every cranny of the house except our pantry because it’s a little to high on the physical exertion side of things. I’ve created albums through iphoto for every year of Caius’s life (year 3 is still in progress, obviously) and I’ve ruled out reading a novel because of my freakish tendency to get overly absorbed in the plot to the point where I can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t function till I finish the darn thing. Right. So. Oh, I’ve also already started a baby book for this child.

Any ideas?

Edited to add Caius’s conversation with my belly just a few moments ago:
Caius: Come out! Play bumbas! See you tomorrow! *kiss* *hug* Bye!

I really love that kid.

See?

Somebody else feels like me.

Doula: I got your message! (wherein I update her on series on yet more contractions last night…during dinner! painful contractions) Do you think you’re in labor?

Me: No…I am definitely not in labor right now. No contractions.

Doula: Okay, well, I promise that those contractions are doing things!

Me: They better be.

—-

Caius slept badly last night. We both heard him wake-up and cry out for us in the middle of the night and then when I was awake from 3-7 am this morning (I did sleep from 9-3 though! 6 whole freaking hours! *do little dance*), he woke up every half hour or so and whimpered. Either it was a) too hot or b) he was having some bad dreams or c) was generally disturbed for some unknown reason or d) all of the above. But either way he woke up in a foul mood this morning and totally went off on Charlie because Charlie needed to SIT THERE DADDY! AT BIG TABLE! SIT THERE! NO! NOT THERE! THERE! BIG TABLE! WAH!!! BIG TABLE!!! NO!!!! WAH!

I was still half asleep (went back to bed from 7-9 am) at the time, and could hear Charlie trying to calmly and patiently deal with our clearly unreasonable progeny. I know all too well that sinking feeling of frustration and desperation and Lord-let-me-keep-myself-together-here-and-WTH-is-wrong-with-this-kid?!?!?! But alone in the other room, I could just sense Caius’s own exhaustion and frustration. Because the poor kid was tired and when you’re tired and upset, sometimes the fact that things are not going exactly the way you want/expect them to go can be very, very frustrating, can’t it? I mean, sometimes you just get pissed for no good reason and throwing things seems like a very reasonable response to life’s ills.

And when you’re two and your Daddy won’t sit in the right place and put your spoon in the wrong bowl and you couldn’t sleep last night, well, what else is left for you to do?

Anyway, I got myself out of bed and tried to distract Caius from whatever it was that was upsetting him (Do you want to eat breakfast? NO! Do you want to play with your cars? NO! DADDY SIT THERE! NO! THERE! THERRRRRREEEE!) and rescue Charlie from trying to move his legs into some unknown, but obviously very precisely imagined location and position. Eventually I shamelessly bribed Caius with promises of bike-riding outside in order to get him to eat breakfast and change his clothes and we all headed out to S & W Country Diner where we ate more breakfast (or, um, some of us ate a hamburger and french fries and hot chocolate…mmm…) and Charlie pushed Caius around in his trike and we went to Trader Joe’s for MILK! and GREEN JUICE! and BUMBAS! and generally had a very nice morning together.

—-

Our current status:
Charlie - out having “alone” time at Barnes or Coffee Bean or somewhere where he can clear his head of screaming toddlers and enormously pregnant wives
Caius - napping (yesssss!)
Nina - finished with her “alone” time (wherein she blogs, of course) and heading towards naptime

After all, I know my priorities in life.

—-

Even on the days when I wake up grumpy and bleary-eyed, my very favorite time of the day are the minutes immediately after I open Caius’s bedroom door. More often than not, he’s lying in his bed with his “bundee” (blankie) draped over his head, chatting or singing to himself, ready to pop out from under the blanket and greet us.

Every morning it’s as if the twelve hours we’ve been apart have been enough to make me forget the full brunt of his cuteness, and it hits me every single morning. Lord, I love this kid.

There is something so fresh and innocent about his face in the morning. I wish I could bottle the feeling and carry it with me everywhere. It would be especially useful during those moments in the afternoon when his voice reaches a certain pitch of whine, the pitch that requires deep breathing almost as much as labor. It all lasts less than 10 minutes, before the day starts and we get into the swing of our daily routine, but I love it.

—-

Anybody read this yet? I read some reviews on the book’s Amazon page and it never ceases to amaze me how violently some people hate on dooce. I mean, gosh. What is it about her that makes people so mean? Anyway. The book features an essay James Griffioen, the dad half of the mom/dad blog Sweet Juniper, and I really want to read it. Almost enough to break my book-buying moratorium and pick up the collection at the nearest Barnes. While I think there are a lot of talented blog writers out there, James’ posts very often leave me at a complete loss for words. It shouldn’t be allowed, writing that good. I mean, what about the rest of us? Why did we not got blessed with such a gift?

It really pisses me off sometimes.

—-

Just for the record, I had rather painful and regular contractions for about 3 hours last night. They hurt enough that I almost woke up Charlie, but thought the better of it, even in my state of utter exhaustion. I was so disoriented that I left the bed to go bounce on the ball in the living room, but was too tired to continue so I stretched out on the floor in the living room and then realized that WTH was I was doing on the hard floor when I could be in bed? So I went back to bed and drifted in and out of sleep with the contractions till they tapered off completely.

I have no idea what’s going on in there. I mean, I know, my body is preparing for labor. My uterus is toning and my mucus plug is, um, coming out (?) and hopefully we’re getting some good effacement and dilation in there too. And maybe the baby is positioning himself or my cervix is positioning itself or whatever it is that happens when you’re 38 weeks and 2 days pregnant and the size of a baby elephant. (Bloody show! I would like some bloody show! Thank you!)

But if the contractions are going to hurt, then I’d really appreciate for them to be the real thing. That would really help me out. Because being woken up every night at midnight and kept up for hours with what feels like relatively severe menstrual cramping…well, that’s just not fair. I’m not against the pain or anything, it’s just…it would be really nice if it were, like, real labor.

—-

My mom called me this morning and announced that she has convinced my halmoni to let my nanny come to my house till the baby comes. I convinced her that halmoni would not be able to handle it unless Nana went to their house at least once a week, but honestly, I’m so thankful and relieved. I mean, there’s this voice in the back of my head that says, “You spoiled thing. You can’t even take care of one easy-going child and keep a little apartment clean and cook for your own family while staying home full-time?? So what if you’re pregnant? Do you think you’re the first woman to ever be pregnant?” (Hm, that voice…it sounds a lot like someone I know…) But then there’s the other (somewhat louder) voice that’s saying, “YAYYYYYYAYYYAYAYYY!” and breathing a huge sigh of relief. And also, I no longer have to worry what will happen with Caius if I go into labor during the day.

So, thank you Mommie and Daddy and Halmoni and Nana for rearranging your lives to take care of me and my family while I’m waiting for this baby to Come Out of Me Soon Please. I know how incredibly blessed I am to have a family who cares for me so much and wants to help me.

I’m getting bored of myself. I had contractions every 5 minutes or so for about 2 hours last night. They were uncomfortable enough that I couldn’t sleep, but not so bad that I felt I should wake up Charlie. So I paced and bounced on the yoga ball. Then they tapered off. I went back to bed. I am still pregnant.

My nanny is here with us today. My mom drove up through crappy traffic to drop her off at our house. She brought chapchae with her. My mom rocks. My nanny rocks. I sleep.

I think I’ve been, er, losing my mucus plug. If you don’t know what that means, you probably don’t want to know. Not that it signals anything other than, hey, I’m having a baby soon!

I just put Caius down for his nap (he’s currently singing “winkle, winkle tar” to himself). I can’t really decide whether I want to eat an ice cream cone right now or go back to sleep. I already took a 2 hour nap this morning (heavenly!) so maybe I’ll go with the ice cream cone. I feel so…relaxed. Caius is well taken care of and happy and I’m allowed to rest. Yay!

—-

More yay!

—-

Last night the crampy and achy feeling was so bad it woke me up shortly after midnight (I had gone to bed around 10 pm). But this morning, they were gone. Seriously, can you see why I’ve been a little impatient about going into labor? These are classic early labor signs. But yes. I am trying to have a positive attitude!

And today has been good so far. I was able to sleep again from about 2-8 am (minus several bathroom interruptions, of course) so I actually slept a pretty good amount. I had enough energy this morning to get us both out the door and went to the UPS store, Coffee Bean (where we picked up “cake” aka madeleines…Caius’s favorites), and the mall where I had to return some stuff. Just three little places but it all seemed VERY ambitious to me. By 11 though, I was totally wiped out and I passed out on the bed in Caius’s room while he was playing with his “bumbas.” At first he tried to get me to sit up and play with him, but I convinced him to let me sleep for a little while and he was very sweet about it after that. Poor guy. I feel bad, but I was so tired that I just could not sit up for another moment.

Now Caius is napping and I’ll probably lie down again and try to get another hour of sleep at least. Not napping during the day seemed to help me sleep better over the weekend, but without Charlie’s help with Caius during the day I just cannot make it through without a nap. My body is screaming at me, “LIE DOWN!!! SLEEP!”

I’m trying to give myself a break now. I’m 38 weeks pregnant. I’m big. Like, really big. And my body needs to rest. And it’s having some trouble doing that. So yeah, I’m not as great and awesome a mommy as I’d like to be right now. I wish I could really throw myself into loving and playing and talking with Caius, but the last two and a half years will have to suffice for that now. I am just getting by. It’s not that I don’t love/play/talk now, but I’m trying to accept my body’s limitations and not beat myself up for the fact that Caius watched a good 2 and half hours of TV yesterday while I tried to nap through some pretty painful crampiness or the fact that all our playing involves me sitting in one place and encouraging him to bring all his activities to me.

I’ve also pretty much given up on the whole cooking thing. Yes, we have all these awesome Korean groceries and yes, I was feeling pretty gung-ho about it on Monday. But even the very idea of preparing dinner makes me want to collapse on the floor right now. The kalbi jjim meat will sit in the freezer for now. My nanny made mu guk and spinach banchan when she was here on Monday and I…I slept. I did not help. I managed to cut up some dubu for the stir-fry and that was my contribution to dinner. And then I slept some more.

Frozen pizza, instant jajjangmyun, ramen, take-out. That’s how it’s going to be till this baby comes. I cannot cook anymore. I can barely stay awake to watch my kid, much less prepare food.

And that’s okay. Because I’m big. Really, really big. 38 weeks pregnant big. And oh-so tired. *YAWN*

But, despite all this complaining and justifications of my lameness, I am feeling good today. Ready. But not impatient. Not frustrated. Content. I am confident that God is watching over me and my baby and that when all is ready, he will come.

—-

Today when we were at the mall, we were walking past Victoria’s Secret. Victoria’s Secret with all its scantily clothed, large-breasted, posturing women…all its lace and endless piles of underwear. Anyway, I always kind of rush by this store. It’s not that I’m a total prude or anything, but honestly, their displays are just so…over the top. I mean, can’t one be sexy without being, you know, like sexy? But Caius suddenly stops in front of the store and will not follow me. He’s saying something, but I can’t quite hear his little voice over the loud mall music. I walk over to him and take his hand, but he points over to some panties and says to me, beaming, “Mommy same one! Mommy same one!”

So this is it, huh? The whole, “kids say the darndest thing” stage of life.

At my prenatal appointment today, the midwife wanted me to get an ultrasound because the baby has measured the same for the past 3 weeks. The past few appointments, they’ve all made comments about how he seems on the small side. One of the midwives mistakenly assumed I was having a girl (I guess girls are usually smaller?)

Anyway, the ultrasound went fine. Every thing is fine as far as they can tell. The ultrasound technician estimated the baby is about 7 pounds and my amniotic fluid is good too. Yay!

We also got to see the baby’s face. Even if the reason for the ultrasound wasn’t all that great, I’m so glad I got to see him. It really was just what I needed right now. I’m so tired and have been feeling really discouraged lately.

The midwife today encouraged me to just relax. She was really nice about it, but her basic point was that I can’t make it happen and it will happen when it happens. She did an exam and I’m “maybe” 1 cm dilated (she said she could only just stick her finger in there, but didn’t want to force it). She’s right, of course, I need to chill. I need to ignore all the BH contractions and just content myself to waiting for as long as it takes for this baby to be ready. It’s hard to feel so physically restricted and burdened for so long, but it really will be over before I know it.

My doula has to have surgery on the 15th or 16th and then she’ll need a couple of days to recover, so if I deliver around that time then I’ll have to use one of her back-ups. I’m trying to be okay with this too. I really, really like my doula but I’m sure her back-up is excellent too. Actually, I’ve heard really good things about her back-up. I just have to wrap my head around the idea that I may even deliver late and just be okay with that.

Anyway, I’m really tired today and I’m feeling kind of vaguely sick. My lower abdomen feels crampy and my back kind of feels achy and I think I’m just really tired. I have plenty of errands I need to run, but I just can’t face leaving the house and lugging my body around today, especially while toting Caius around with me too. I just want to stay home, curl up in bed and sleep. Obviously, I can’t just sleep till Caius goes down for his nap so I’m literally counting the hours till his naptime. I think I might try and put him down a little early since we woke him up a bit early to leave for my appointment this morning.

—-

Last night Caius and I were sitting on the floor, both our legs outstretched, my legs straddling his body. I lifted up my shirt and he started talking to the baby. “Come out baby brudda. Play cars!”